It must have been a mother who invented the shopping list. One monstrously long trip to the store is better than half a dozen frenzied stops, right? In our house, I don’t enjoy the idea of taking my children shopping… in fact, it totally terrifies me. For the most part, my kids are well-behaved and taking them out in public is uneventful and doable. But, sometimes, their little demon sides decide to come out and play just as we walk through the automatic doors…
The reason I dread taking my normally sweet little angels to Home Depot would look a little something like this:
My kids always want those dumb racecar carts… the ones that are 90 feet long and take the length of an aisle to start and stop, but I acquiese, hoping it will entertain them while I do the shopping. Hahaha, my little shoulder devil laughs and I glare at her to shut up. I turn back to the kids and they are already fighting over which grimy steering wheel they get! Seriously? We’re barely inside the doors…
Me: ‘They are the same gross germy plastic circles and they both drive NOTHING! Quit fighting and hitting each other!’
Big J, in his infamous whiny voice he uses when the world is so incredibly unfair and out to get him: ‘But this one is wiggly… and it has the black cover.’
Little J, shouting at the top of his lungs, four inches from my face: ‘Mom! MIIIIIINNNNNEEEE! He stop touching that!’
And half of the carts don’t have functional buckles, so my kids are climbing all over the cart and each other. I’m standing there (probably cross-ways in the aisle because I can’t control the cart that is twice as long as I am tall) all barely 5-feet of me, growling threats at my kids as people squeeze past the cart with looks of shock, horror, pity and sometimes all three of those, wondering why I would try to bring my kids to the store… or, possibly, why I reproduced in the first place (let alone, three times).
THEN, I have to, you know, do the actual shopping and stuff. And make the decision as to whether I want to track someone down to cut the board for me or hope that I can fit it in the car without knocking one of the boys unconscious (although that would make the drive home much quieter) and hope that my husband will cut it for me within the next month or two… I’ll decide to get it cut, so I don’t have to juggle it and that monstrous cart. I’ll stand around, hoping an employee comes by sometime soon, because I still haven’t figured out how to push the cart and hold the board… all the while my kids are still fighting over those dumb steering wheels. Finally, they cut the board… crooked. And the saw woke the baby, so now he’s crying. But at least now I don’t have to wonder how to push that cart and carry a 6 foot long board.
Then, there’s the whole check out stand situation that’s sure to be a fiasco. The kids are half-climbing out of the cart, handing the cashier candy they swiped from that stupid rack as I was trying to unload the board pieces and find that little baggie of screws I need for some project I probably can’t even remember, but they’ve been on my shopping list for a month and a half and there’s no way I’m doing this again anytime soon for a bag of screws… I’m grabbing the candy bars and hurriedly re-shelving them before the cashier can scan them, as she doesn’t even bother to ask if I actually want them. Right… yeah, I want to give these children chocolate, lady. Really? No, I don’t want six Twix bars and a handful of Kit Kats! Especially at the overpriced Home Depot prices! Ah, at least I’m not juggling a 6 foot board too, right? HA. That’s about the time I decide I’m going to Sonic on the way home… I need a little comfort slushie.
Until next month.